Done Different is Forward Thinking

It’s easy to get trapped in the woulda, coulda, shoulda's of life, especially when times don’t go as we would have hoped. A relationship scarred, a job lost, an opportunity missed. The list could go on and on and unfortunately, so does our head:

• I shoulda done __ different
• I coulda done __ different
• I woulda done __ different

It’s not that self-critique isn't important, it is. The danger is confusing controlled reflection with dwelling in regret to the point of not being able to use the lessons of yesterday for the challenges of tomorrow.

So what is regret?

re·gret

verb

'a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done'

In the world of woulda, coulda, shoulda's, our regret or disappointment is often tied to the action or inaction that we performed which led to an outcome that was less that what we desired. For those of us prone to a heavy self-critique, we can swim in circles, the weight of regret slowing pulling us under. On the opposite end of this of course, are those that say they carry no regrets! There's a fine line between this being healthy and being ignorant.

It's important to remember that regrets aren't bad; it's human. It's the dwelling that traps us, unable to move forward. It's here that controlled reflection can be used to inform your original position and guide your future direction.

re·flec·tion

noun 'serious thought or consideration'

The exercise is one of shifting the woulda, coulda, shoulda's from statement to questions for consideration:

Ask yourself:

COULD I have done something different?

• What was the balance of items in your control vs. out of your control that impacted your decision making during that time? Were there actually things you could have done different or were you a wheel in a cog?

SHOULD I have done something different?

• If you're dwelling in disappointment, you're likely quick to answer yes. But take the time to dig deeper into the process you took in that moment that led to your decision. Were you of right mind? What information was available to you in that moment? Even if misplayed in the moment, what was the intent?

Lastly, knowing what I know now, WOULD I have done something different?

• This is your opportunity to merge your COULD have and SHOULD have to visualize the future, for yourself, for others.
• If the same scenario was presented to you again, WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENT?
• Perhaps more important, if someone else came to you seeking advice, WHAT WOULD YOU TEACH THEM?

To use an analogy:

I grew up waterskiing. Aside from the thrill of pulling rooster tails across the wake, the next best entertainment was before we ever got on the water. It was watching new boat owners navigate the challenge of backing up their boat trailer down the boat launch and into the water. It's harder than it seems and until you've been challenged with jackknifing your trailer in front of many laughing and critical eyes of backseat drivers around the dock, it's hard to understand. Even though this was before backup cameras in vehicles, it wouldn't have mattered because the camera's view would be blocked by the boat itself. The skill requires using the limited picture of where you are and where you're going by looking back and forth from one side view mirror to the other. It's an exercise of using reflection for direction.

We can't change the past. There will be disappointments. We will make mistakes. Getting lost in woulda, coulda, shoulda's won't help if all we're doing is running circles around what was. If we're truly looking to learn from our experiences, our 'would have dones', our 'could have dones', our 'should have done different', we need to move forward by looking back.

After all, done different is forward thinking

-Sam

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