There's an old saying, 'advice is easy to give but hard to take.' Which may lead one to then believe that if advice is so easily cast around and the ability to act on it is so difficult, then maybe we just don't ask for it at all. Maybe it's safer to just ask for feedback, and most of us do. We ask questions like:
Yet according to a study by Harvard Business School, we are far more likely (>54%) to receive deep and actionable insight when we do not limit our council to oft go-to positive reinforcement feedback zones. Rather, we should ask for advice.
Why is this? Let's break down the words themselves.
According to the dictionary, we find:
noun
What word stuck out at you? To me, it was 'reactions'.
Feedback is reactionary; it speaks to the past. If there's one lesson we learn as we get older, it's that you can't change the past. So why then are we so focused on asking for reaction to something that's already occurred, which we can't change? So then because we know as individuals that we can't change the past, I believe that our subconscious limits the depth of valuable critique we give to the person asking for it.
Think of the last time you asked for feedback. In the back of your mind, you feared what you may hear and hoped for what you wanted to hear, which was likely, validation. Validation that the actions you've already taken, were not done so in vain. In this process though, we evoke a vulnerability that is met and felt by the other person, which brings into play the other ol' saying, 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?' The result is that we, as the feedback givers, mask the truth with vagueness and pleasantries. We struggle to give meaningful input that can help someone take what they've already invested in, to an improved state the next time around.
So what's the alternative?
In the study performed by the Harvard Business School, participants were tasked with writing a job cover letter, which was then relayed to peers. They were required to ask for two different types of responses: Feedback on the cover letter and Advice. Those that received the feedback on the cover letter, were met with generic and fact based reaction, like a grade in black or white: Did it meet requirements? Yes/No.
However, those that asked for advice on the cover letter received very targeted guidance. There were 34% more areas of improvement outlined and almost 60% more suggestions for future improvement.
Once again, we can look to the dictionary to understand why advice is so impactful:
noun; plural: advises
While feedback is reactionary, advice is action oriented.
VS.
One of the biggest gaps is feedback vs. advice, is the opportunity to think differently, which can only be introduced when another perspective is placed in front of us. There is a beautiful shared vulnerability when we ask not only about us, but about them? Those giving this council are freely bringing to the table a reasoning that could only have been concluded from their unique experiences. Then in real time, they are then molding those experiences to your situation. It's like you get to live another life, within your own. There's something about advice which allows the person that's giving it, the chance to do over the past through your new actions. It's opportunity for validation from one, redemption for the other.
This is not a judgement upon feedback; it's common practice and valuable in the appropriate setting. Important is to recognize is where and when feedback and advice should come into play and how coaching can be an union of the two. Coaching empowers the application of feedback and advice. Coaching is necessary because too often we’re quick to claim ignorance of our council, that the person giving it, doesn’t truly see it through our eyes. Yet, I believe they do, they’re just seeing it through a lens which we may not like. Coaching is necessary because while we can take feedback and hear advice, we need the gentle nudge of new action.
Several years ago I had a life changing opportunity to take a job in New York City. It was a dream job in a market I was passionate about, with a world recognized brand and a product that truly meaningful. The only problem was that my life was here, a thousand miles away. I tortured myself and all of those around me as I debated this decision. While I sought feedback and coaching on things like the negotiations involved in the opportunity, it was really just micro-problem solving, ignoring the larger elephant in the room. What I needed was trusted outside perspective to help navigate the waters of change.
I called on a former client of mine. While we hadn't worked together in a few years, over the course of our business relationship development, he was someone who had earned my trust and respect. I imagine my call was surprising to him but he met me with incredible grace but more than that though, with reason. Years my senior, he talked about his life, his professional experiences, lessons learned, gaps and regrets. He also shared what he knew about me, what he had uncovered that perhaps I was too close or ignorant to see. In the end, he gave me great advice.
Find your trusted resources; they're more valuable than you can imagine.
They say that advice is easy to give. I actually think it’s incredibly hard. Good advice requires a deep investment in the other. Feedback requires none.
Struggling? Next time I’d advise you to ask for for advice, not feedback.
-Sam
If you want to talk 1:1, reach out to me.